I’m taking a few days off for the Fourth, but in honor of Independence Day, I’ve dug up transcripts of a Philadelphia Night Club Comic, Shecky Hancock, doing his act at the Continental Congress Press Club Dinner in 1776. Enjoy it, and remember, these jokes may have been funnier 223 years ago.
Cue the fife and drums playing the Tonight Show theme and host John Hancock saying, “Heeeeeere’s Shecky!”:
Wow it’s great to be here, I just rowed in from Hoboken and boy are my arms tired! It’s so great to be here in Philadelphia in such esteemed company. Last week I played the state legislature in New Hampshire and I’m not saying they were a tough audience… But I just got the feathers scraped off my ass with tar remover. Tough crowd. That live free or die thing? Let me tell you, they are pretty glum up there. Comedy is not their thing. Let’s just say they make the Quakers seem like party animals!
Hey, did you see where John Adams is saying he really gave Jefferson all the ideas for the Declaration of Independence, that Jefferson only put the words down on paper? Yea well, Adams is also claiming he invented something called the internet.
Oh, Mrs. Washington, good to see you: your doctor sent a letter, turns out those are splinters…
Wooden teeth Martha, that’s all I’m sayin…
What a classy broad; seems like Big George isn’t just first in War and Peace!
He’s first where it counts, if you know what I mean… (Spreads hands).
Everyone say hi to the band led by fife player Doc Williams. I’m not saying Doc likes the ale here in Philadelphia, let’s just say that the serving wenches all have played his fife too. Give him a big Colonial welcome.
Then there’s the big guy from Boston, my cousin, he got me this gig. I’m not saying John Hancock is vain, but when congress asked him the reason he signed his name so big on the Declaration of Independence, he was surprised and asked: “You mean you wanted to sign it too?”
Hey, come on now, that’s funny, what is it the Red Coat?
Should I take it off?
Hey, that reminds me! Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause the British are coming, the British are coming!
I know, I got a million of them, be sure to tip your serving wench
Speaking of the British, rumors that King George is mad were confirmed when he offered us a Peace Concession:
Free British Dental!
Cause you know the British don’t have very good teeth, Work with me People. These are the jokes, you can laugh or you can just revolt, we got an hour of this stuff.
That Nathaniel Green sure likes his grog, I’m just saying, buddy, Rhode Island, is that a state or Massachusetts’s back yard? … Hey, the Indians called, your loan is due! They want blue beads this time.
Hey, you’re all right, I kid because I love. Rhode Island’s great: I spent a week there one afternoon.
Hey there’s the guys from New Jersey, Paulie, Tony, Paulie Junior, Tiny, Big Tiny, Anthony. How You Doin? Hey, can you get me a deal on a powdered wig, you know, one that fell of a wagon?
Hey I kid the guys from New Jersey but don’t take it personally. I mean PLEASE don’t take it personally, I’m kidding ok! You wacky guys! Seriously, if you want to make a little book, these are the guys to see. You’ll love their payment plans… I’m taking Washington at Valley Forge, getting 6 1/2.
And Sam Adams, keep those beers coming buddy, your great, love the hair babe, love the hair.
How about Betsy Ross, look I’m not saying that Betsy is ugly, let’s just say that bell wasn’t cracked before she got there, ok?
I mean’s she a real two sacker…
Sew a flag? Hell, that was a face mask for the Cotillion! Yowsa!
Hey there’s Ethan Allan, anybody ever tell you you make a helluva bed? It even holds up for Ben Franklin’s “special” parties.
Virginia you’re all right, good to see your delegation here. Tall men, wooden teeth, long hair, is this a congressional delegation or a reunion of Led Zepplin? Lee, Mason, Jefferson, doesn’t anybody have a last name?
Don’t worry about that slavery thing guys, nobody will notice. It’s not like they’ll start a war over it or anything. No really, you’ll be ok. (to rest of the congress; Oh My God!)
Ben Franklin, Hey Ben CAN YOU HEAR ME?
I’m not saying Ben is old but he didn’t just discover electricity, he discovered daylight.
Ben invented the lending library, the post office and bifocals. But, Ben, how about inventing mouthwash? I’m just saying, Ben had garlic for dinner… Last Tuesday. Really Ben you could knock a bald eagle off a manure cart.
You can call it “Macaroni” if you want Ben, but that’s not what comes out of a pony.
It’s ok, I kid Ben cause I love him… And because he won’t remember what I said in five minutes. Right Ben?
Ben’s from here in Philadelphia. They settled on “The City of Brotherly Love” as a motto because “Streets full of horse shit” and “Swamp fever: it might not kill you” were already taken.
Come back this weekend guys, we’ll have fife and drum karaoke and all you can eat Goat Brains. Mighty tasty! Grog is 3 for a shilling unless you have our Constant Grog card, we punch a hole and every 6th grog is free! So come and make Merry. And if Merry is busy, you can enjoy one of our other fine young and meaty serving wenches. Badda Bing!
And how about that economy huh? You didn’t like taxation without representation, how do you like it with representation?
I know congress has spent more money than it really has, don’t worry, it’s not like they can do that forever!
George Washington threw a dollar over the Potomac 20 years ago, but he can’t do it now. It’s not that George is twenty years older, it’s that the dollar doesn’t go as far these days!
and now:
The Top Ten Reasons Your Man-Servant Might be a Torrey Spy
10. You find him going through your tea bags.
9. He roles his eyes and salutes you as “Mr. Congressional Smarty Pants”
8. He killed a Frenchman, just to watch him die.
7. Armada, what armada?
6. Your muskets always seem to be plugged with goose dung.
5.”Benedict Arnold, uh no, we never met. Good to meet you Ben.”
4. When he has a few drinks he looks at you and says “God Save the King and Die you Patriot Bastard!”
3. He passes notes to beautiful women one third his age. No wait: that’s Ben Franklin
2. He told Paul Revere, “No it’s TWO if by land, THREE if by sea.”
1. Three words: Union Jack Undergarments.
You know you crazy congressmen, that’s it for me. But seriously folks, before I go, I gotta tell you, I dig this whole Revolution thing you guys are stirring up. The whole countryside is into this whole crazy independence movement, people are singing Yankee Doodle, reading Common Sense and they are getting their kicks from this kooky revolution kinda thing and you cats are doing the work of the Man upstairs.
May Jehovah Bless you and Good Night!
According to the transcript: Shecky was then shot by Aaron Burr.
1 Comment
July 2, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Funny! The history teachers of the nation would love this! Have a nice holiday weekend!